Back to school (weeks 36 & 37)
A reality check
Picture this - I’ve got two pans on the stove, Dylan is in bed sick, both Ty and our friends’ puppy Keanu (who we are dog sitting) are barking, the Bug is yelling for more pineapple. I turn around to see her entire open mouth is bloodied, so I try to stop the bleeding to see if it’s coming from the place she fell on this morning when she slipped while crawling. She starts screaming when I try to open her mouth because she’s mad, Dylan gets up out of bed to try to help whilst he’s feeling horrible, I strip her naked and stop the bleeding and crying in our living room while texting my favorite pediatrician friend Dr. Alex, only to turn around to see that Keanu is standing on top of her high chair tray, having somehow scaled our dining table, scarfing down her leftovers.
This real life scene from Saturday night is also an apt metaphor for how it’s felt finally going back to work after mat leave!!!
Here’s how I started drafting this post on September 4 after being back at work for 2 days:
Is there literally anything more gorgeous than the September where I go back to school after 10 months out of a classroom starting on a Sunday?! Not to this Type A high school teacher there is not!!
I feel almost guilty saying this because I know this is not the case for most moms coming off of mat leave, because typically it’s too short and the baby is too little and work is too unaccommodating for new parents - but I have been BUZZING for the first week of school.
LOL, the lives I’ve lived since last Wednesday! That silly girl! Talking about how gorgeous being at work again is - you don’t know anything!
Dylan noted this past Thursday that I hadn’t written a Substack for the last two weeks, and I was like yes because I don’t have two brain cells to stop and spare for any additional thoughts outside of the necessary ones to function at work and at home apparently!
I had screenshots saved of my horoscope the weekend before school started about new beginnings!!! And a picture of my calendar with the month starting on a Sunday and how everything was coming together to be this amazing kickoff to a new chapter of both working and momming!
The first two days of teacher work days, Dylan was still out of town so I had to handle morning daycare drop off and getting to work on time. And I was soooo impressed with myself! I told multiple people on Monday about how stressful it had been, but I’d done it! Go me!
Turns out, I didn’t know anything.
I swore to myself I was going to be laid back, that it was ok not to be the same person at work I was before I had a baby, that I should rely on other people’s resources and help and really really prioritize work life balance! So that’s what I prepared to do before the first real week of school - and then!
I had three lessons on the first day of classes, and two of my first three lessons back felt like they absolutely bombed. I was using other teacher’s materials that didn’t feel like me, I timed things wrong, I felt like I didn’t know what I was talking about, which made me feel anxious in a space where I usually feel completely at ease. I felt so mentally and physically drained, and I realized that I cannot go back to working without figuring out which things I can control and executing on them in a way that feels like me.
On the one hand, it sucked, and basically since last Thursday evening it’s felt like I’ve been treading water in a raging ocean just to get my head around what I needed to do to BEGIN to get a grip on everything. I’ve gotten to school 3ish hours before I teach every day that I work because I’m so behind on unit and lesson planning - somehow I thought that going into this school year without having read one of the books I’m starting with would be smooth sailing? Bonkers. That woman who wrote that stupid “lingering” substack two weeks ago has some things to answer for.
On the other hand, in some ways it was nice to realize that despite the huge amount of change I’ve gone through this year, I’m still myself at school. The types of lessons I want to teach, the type of teacher I want to be, how I show up for the students I work with, those values that in a lot of ways have defined me for the last 10 years showed up again when I was back in a classroom. When I went back this week with lessons I’d actually taken the time to plan, I left the building at the end of the day feeling so energized and delighted that I freaking love what I do, that I teach the best students, and that I’m so happy to be back.
It’s weird seeing my kid so much less on the days that I teach. I’m hoping this gets better? Once the whole drowning feeling goes away and I don’t feel the need to wake up and leave at the crack of dawn to go work, and when I can actually bike home at 4:30 to pick her up from daycare at 5:15? Right? Someone tell me it will please. It’s reassuring to realize I have no qualms about her routine, health and happiness when her dad is basically doing all of the parenting on the days I teach, but selfishly I like hanging out with her and I’m jealous he gets to??
Already, having a weekend with her (especially an all in one since Dylan was out of commission) has been such a balm for those feelings of distance. We soaked in the autumn sunshine on Saturday, and on Sunday over blueberry pancakes I realized with delight that any time I say “I love you!” she turns to me and blows like 6 kisses in a row. Despite my feelings of trying to be too many places at once the last two weeks, she is still her happy lovey fearless on the go self who knows her mom loves her.
I’ve felt a lot of emotions this September.
To wrap up my metaphor - everyone was fine! Dylan got back in bed and slept for like 16 hours. The Bug’s cut in her mouth was so tiny when I finally got the gums to stop bleeding, and it hasn’t bugged her since. The dogs had probably two sneaky bites of human food, got a few extra barks in, ran around each other in circles with so much joy and slept like logs. I handled it! It was a bit of a mess but everyone was fed, cared for, and put to bed.
That’s all I can hope for, right?
Haha this was such a relatable and lovely post. We just had my sister and her family visiting with a 3-year-old and a puppy. I thought we would have lovely dinners, play at the park and let the dogs run free outside our house. Instead, we all ate in shifts and tried to stop the dogs from destroying both the house and each other.
Ooof you got this! I constantly toggle between "I got this I got this I don't got this" lol Going back to work after baby is challenging in the beginning but I promise it gets easier. :)