Brain dump

Thoughts from seven weeks without writing

There’s that whole “Newton’s law” thing, an object in motion will stay in motion and an object at rest will stay at rest, etc. etc. I don’t think I have necessarily been at rest these last seven weeks but the more I didn’t write the harder it was to start writing.

I’ve been doing things that are not as good for my brain over these last seven weeks. My screen time is up. My reading time is down. I’ve been feeling more and more anxious about not writing, so I told myself today I was going to write something, anything to get it out on here because the act of writing does make me feel better.

I.

My toddler has learned to say the word mine. Unlike the word no which is ne (pronounced nay) in Dutch, it is not softened by a foreign language. It is not made cuter by the slight variation with a different vowel. Spelled differently (mijn), when repeated 20 million times in 10 minutes it maintains the same feeling of being surrounded by the seagulls in Finding Nemo.

This new word has coincided with her beginning to have a sense of herself versus being a part of us. She goes around and points to “mama” and “daddy” and “Ty” and then points to herself, clearly trying to say her name, but can’t quite manage it or remember it, and also can’t totally understand that she is this thing that is her own.

II.

One of the best things about having a toddler is the amount of fresh fruit that the suddenly in your life.

The Netherlands is a huge agricultural producer and two of the things that the Dutch are most proud of are their white asparagus and their strawberries. The strawberries have been out of this world this summer. We are averaging three cartons per week.

One of the Bug’s new words is “juicy”, and she’ll take a bite of a strawberry, a blackberry, a peach, and look up at us and exclaim “juiccyyy”. She drags the word out and smiles, and as she says it liquid runs down her face onto her belly. Mealtimes have become naked pretty much all the time. I’ll look over at her snacking on a strawberry the size of her fist as rivulets of of red go all the way down her chest, past her belly button, drawing my attention to the fact that her baby belly is going away as she’s having growth spurts and becoming more and more a little girl.

III.

We went to Bologna in May. My in-laws went on a fabulous trip through northern Italy and we met them for the weekend before. Part of the reason my mother-in-law selected this town was because of its infamous porticoes — I have to be honest, I thought it was sort of a silly reason to select a location to visit, but then we got there, and I was totally blown away by the porticos. I’ve never been more wrong about an architectural feature’s importance. They are so cool.

Bologna was a perfect city to go with a toddler because it is quite small, very condensed and has the most unbelievable food that I’ve ever eaten in Italy.

IV.

Delicious things I’ve consumed this summer, Italian edition:

this tiramisu

and then also the dessert that is just the cream of tiramisu served in a bowl with chocolate shavings on it. Apparently, this is a regional specialty for Bologna, and it is quite simply the best dessert I’ve ever had in my life.

Bologna is known as “La Grassa” and it lives up to its name. The pasta that I consumed made me wonder if we should not just uproot our lives and come to move to Italy.

There’s nothing I like more than fresh pasta, except for maybe fresh gelato.

V.

This is my official endorsement of sitting at the bar.

My in-laws kept the Bug one night while we were in Italy, and Dylan and I had a fabulous date night. We found this very classic cocktail bar, sort of a 60s vibe. The waiters and bartenders were all in tuxedos and we sat at the bar. What was going to be just a quick drink before our dinner reservation ended up being two and a half cocktails each. I forgot how sexy and fun sitting at the bar is (even when you leave the bar by 7:30.)

VI.

The Bug’s curls have been curling up a storm - tell me those aren’t perfect.

VII.

Memorial Day weekend, Dylan and I had two separate weddings and his 10th college reunions all in the US. Since my wedding was in Brooklyn and his wedding was in LA, we split up after the one night at reunions together. The logistics of this weekend were very stressful to plan in advance, but what ended up happening was our village showing up for us in ways that I cannot even begin to thank them for.

We had a team of people taking care of the Bug (and Good Boy) in Amsterdam, Jess and Jodi and Meems taking care of her, and we knew that they loved her and were going to do whatever they needed to do to keep her happy, healthy and safe.

Every time she was inquired after, people were shocked that we felt comfortable putting an ocean between us and our kid, with people who are not blood relatives taking care of her. It made me so overwhelmed to know that we really have made a family of people who love us and our babies.

VIII.

It was odd (amazing) to fly without her, and then to split up from Dylan for the majority of the weekend and be completely and truly solo.

There was one point when I was getting ready for my friend Catherine‘s wedding on that I had to turn music on in my room hotel room because I became too aware of how quiet it was. I realized it was the first time that I’d been in that kind of prolonged quiet, quiet without the fear that something could wake up in about 19 months.

Catherine’s wedding weekend was stunning for many reasons, like the table tiramisu at the rehearsal dinner, the joy Tim and Catherine have for each other and their friends, and spending the weekend with some of my favorite people on the planet.

I’ve been sharing this poem with everyone I know since the wedding. Catherine, of course a writer herself, put this beautiful poem by Frank O’Hara in as the reading for their wedding service. I have not been able to stop thinking about it - what a perfect sort of love.

IX.

Here are two other poems for your consideration on a summer Monday afternoon.

X.

I landed from New York and went straight to the graduation of a group of students who I adore with my whole, whole heart. Case of point of why teaching is the best job in the world: my favorite kid (and parent) of all time brought me the most beautiful bouquet of flowers to his graduation. Humbling.

XI. I did tequila shots last weekend. It was a good reminder that I’m no longer in my 20s.

XII.

I’m back teaching barre, which is one of the main reasons that I haven’t been doing any writing.

Fun fact: my now close friend Jess started as a barre regular in 2020!

It’s a little bit depressing that one of the reasons I’m back is because taking on a few barre classes a week is fewer hours than adding another day at school, but pays significantly more — teachers are underpaid globally, I guess.

There was a point in my life when I was teaching barre full-time, and then when I was teaching more than full-time (both literature at school and filming live bar classes — this was in Amsterdam’s second lockdown, through the winter of 2020 and 2021). I got really burnt out teaching barre, said I was going on a pause and then waited until this past May to come back.

I was nervous to come back.

There are parts of teaching barre that I really like - being in a studio with a lot of people is fun and energizing.

It’s frankly not very hard for me to be good at it. One of the things that makes me a good high school teacher is the same thing that makes me a good barre teacher - I can get people to work harder than they think that they want to with tools like joy, fun, laughter, smiles, early 2000s R&B, and all of a sudden people are surprised that they’ve held a plank for almost 3 minutes.

I was really nervous that I wasn’t in as good of shape as the last time I was teaching. I’ve had a baby and watched her become a toddler and obviously my body looks and feels a little bit different than when I was teaching fitness classes 26 hours a week. I was nervous how that was going to play out, wondering if I’d be able to demonstrate everything or talk through a core series while also doing it for the entire class. But it’s been nice to see that I’m actually stronger than I look. It’s a good reminder that of course we’re all a little bit vain, but when we think about strength and exercise that sometimes what we see needs to be reframed for how we’re actually feeling.

But being honest, there are parts of coming back to barre that are stressing me out, and making me feel really overwhelmed. Taking on a second job is definitely tiring, and just physically and mentally thinking about the logistics of bringing energy to other people and spending time outside of what my passion (books and children and school) and outside of my kid has been something that has been giving me a little bit of anxiety. I have also not prioritized writing, something that’s become a lifesaver over the last 18 months, because my brain space is being filled up with logistics like did I do a lunge series last week and how much is too much Beyoncé to put on a playlist if I do it every single week.

XIII.

I’m meeting my parents this weekend in Italy and packing LIGHT. The Bug and I are in one carry on suitcase together for our 5 day trip, so we are in linen linen linen. My nice flip-flops broke at the end of last summer. I’ve been reading about how Haviannas are the “it” shoe this summer, putting the wrong shoe theory to the test. Last Friday I went and got coffee with my friend Mary, and she walked up in the cutest outfit with these haviannas. They are objectively not the cutest shoe in the world, but they looked amazing on her feet and made the outfit look really cool. I ordered myself a pair right then and there. My mom‘s going to tell me they’re ugly when I see her this weekend. I tell her not everyone can wear 4 inch wedges for their everyday summer sandal.

XIV.

I spent Friday evening incredibly anxious, cancelled plans, and proceeded to have the coziest chillest weekend celebrating Dyl for Father’s Day. A much needed reset that finally triggered me to sit down and write something.

Thanks for coming to my brain dump. Here’s to grades being due this week, summer hols so close I can taste them, and refusing to be booked and busy in July.

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What I’m Reading

• My reading habits have been mortifying recently. However, I am teaching Trevor Noah’s Born a Crime, as well as Chitra Banerjee Divakaruni’s The Palace of Illusions. Students are loving them, and I am too.

What I’m Watching

• We just finished Dept Q and I couldn’t recommend it more. I did have a nightmare after watching but it was so clever and kept us hooked!

What I’m Loving

• I’ve gotten into the Overdue podcast recently. Their episodes on Twilight are hilarious (and ironically, after listen to them some students unprompted mentioned they were reading them for the first time and inquired if I was team Edward or team Jacob. Do not cite the Deep Magic to me, Witch! I was there when it was written!) Their mini series on Emily Wilson’s Homeric translations are excellent if you are a Greek mythology nerd - they even have her as a guest on the show!

• Also, I have four

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