Heart pounding! Throat thickening! Absolutely can't swallow!

^both mine and the Bug's thoughts

I get why being a toddler would make one feel insane. You’re developing into a tiny person, having more opinions about what you want to do but not even close to being able to name any of those wants or desires or feelings. You’re being overloaded with new sensations and experiences all of the time but are not the one deciding when or where or how those new things are happening. When you’re 16 months old, you are pretty much not in control of anything about your life, which can cause some frustration. Especially if you are a child who is a carbon copy of their control freak mother, with the tiny addition of no apparent fear of anything.

We had our first public meltdown last weekend.

Our friends, Nick and Zinzi and their dog Keanu came all the way over to Oost on Sunday. Now Amsterdam is quite a small city - you can basically bike as far as you need to go within the city limits in 30 minutes or less, but when you live into different neighborhoods in a walkable city, it does feel like it is harder to go neighborhood hopping than it might be if you were driving in a car. So when they offered to come over to us to see us in the afternoon and then enjoy some of the beautiful weather we were having, I was thrilled. I’d gone out to dinner Wednesday with some girlfriends, but I hadn’t had any social plans all weekend and I was excited to enjoy the summer sunshine and for the Bug to be able to spend some time with our friends.

A big kid walking her dog

Friday night, we had a lovely early dinner as a family! A bit chaotic but manageable, with a pretty happy kid.

On Saturday, we went to the zoo (two weeks in a row, man was my year long pass an excellent excellent Father’s Day present) and the difference of one week was almost unbelievable. On March 1 when we were there, she’d done some walking, especially in areas where there were a lot of older kids running around, but she got in and out of the stroller, enjoying being held and carried from one set of animals for the next rather than walking the entire time. On March 8, I swear she only got into the stroller or let us carry her because her little body literally could not stand for a second longer. She probably walked 2/3 of the zoo without taking a single break. It really seemed like she grown up a huge amount and just one week it was so much fun seeing how excited she was for the different animals, how she danced with her whole body in front of the monkeys. It was a fabulous afternoon outing with a happy toddler and happy parents.

Sunday rolls around, and we’re feeling pretty good about our plans. She’d had an incredibly fun morning at the playground and came home and napped hard for almost two hours. Upon waking up from her nap we threw her in the stroller and headed out to meet our friends, who’d already claimed a spot on a sunny terrace.

We were given a booth, which we thought was great! We’d gone out for lunch with Meems the weekend before and were given a booth, and the Bug loved standing up on the little couch seat, having a little bit of freedom to be at the table the way she wanted to be.

Pretty immediately, she was enraged at being contained in a stupid booth by her stupid parents. She wanted to get down and was determined to do so herself. On the one hand, it was good because our active active kiddo has been taught and is constantly reminded how to get down from places safely (feet first, on her tummy!). And she did that! However, both Ty and Keanu were already under the table where she was trying to get down, and the terrace was jam packed with no room for Bugs to run around, so getting down was actually not an option.

Zinzi and I picked her up and took the first shift standing up with her, letting her run on the sidewalk, which seemed like it would be fun! However, the pretty immediately decided that the actual place she needed to be running was into the street, and then when mommy wouldn’t allow her to run into said street mommy was absolutely not tolerable for even a second longer. The cries started, but they were manageable. Normal. Everything was fine.

Dylan and my friend Nick came over and we switched, which was probably what we should’ve done from the beginning because she’d been in a major Daddy mood all week. Zinzi and I had a few sips of our drinks and gabbed, and then it seemed like she was in a better mood over with the boys.

Dyl and Nick brought her back to try to see if we could have our lunch and enjoy some of their drinks. She absolutely freaked out again.

Zinzi and I got up again to see if we could calm her down and let her run around a little bit more, but there was absolutely no hope of my sweet happy child joining the party.

She was distraught.

It was the first time that I was on the receiving end of looks from not only our restaurant with the three terraces nearby, feeling like everyone was wondering why a child was screaming their head off and why the parents couldn’t do anything to stop it. She was trying to wiggle out of my arms, trying to drop down from my arms, making herself sick with how much she was screaming. Upset with me, upset with the inability to control what she wanted to do, definitely overheated as I’d put her in sweater and a jacket with a 60° temperature, her face was spotty and red as giant tears streamed on her cheeks and she screamed NEE NEE NEE.

Finally, I stripped her of her sweater, her jacket, her tights, her shoes and didn’t even bother to button her onesie as I put her back in the stroller, covered the hood to give her some shade, took my sandwich to go and sprinted away from our friends.

Once we were in the stroller and walking, she totally calmed down. And by the time we were home, my happy baby was back.

I’ve been thinking about it all week though, and I don’t love how we handled it.

My sister in law and her wife have two kids, one who is three years older than the Bug and one who is 8 weeks younger. Over Christmas, their three year old had a very normal meltdown in the reception of our hotel in Bonaire. I marveled at how Kate was able to let their daughter cry and have her feelings without forcing her to be quiet or physically picking her up and moving her, prioritizing their kid’s autonomy and space over people’s discomfort hearing a kid cry. The meltdown ended, as all things do, and everything was fine.

On Sunday, I was unfortunately way more concerned with what other people thought of me than I was of the Bug’s feelings and autonomy. I realized I am not yet a confident enought toddler parent to know how to find that balance of respecting her emotions when she’s having a meltdown but also acknowledging the fact that she has been alive for 16 months and sometimes can be just picked up and given a pacifier.

I don’t know think walking away was a bad decision, necessarily. She reacted really well to the soothing rock of the stroller and having the sun out of her eyes. It let her take some breaths and calm down. But I don’t love the reason why I put her in the stroller and walked away.

A coworker of mine who has an older toddler told me earlier this year that her mindset when her kid was having a meltdown was to let her know “you feel whatever you need to feel, I’m here when you’re ready”. I really like that mindset and I want to be able to be that kind of parent, but my own anxiety seemed to get in the way in the moment on Sunday.

I don’t know exactly what kind of parents we’re going to be to not babies. I think there are a lot of elements of baby parenting that are so intuitive (because they’re sort of potatoes) but there are beliefs and parenting techniques and cultural norms that we’ve also internalized that I don’t know if I want to emulate. I want our perfect girl to know she can have big feelings and feel them, to never have to silence herself for anyone else. However, it’s a bit overwhelming to think that I have to put myself in that category of “anyone else” to raise her this way.

This next stage of parenting seems like a muscle we need to figure out a training plan for and then exercise to build our strength. For example, I’m really working on trying not to say “be careful” or reacting when she falls, encouraging our brave girl to be as brave as she can be and figure out the world around her with her body. I’m not perfect at this, because it’s slightly terrifying to see this perfect human that I created launching herself off of our bed or down a big girl slide, but I do think I’m getting better, and seeing the confidence she has in her body and what she can do grow reminds me that it’s worth making the effort to keep going. There are some times to say it, obviously, but I’m really pushing myself to say it only when there is actual danger. Moderation.

A perfect sized slide for Bugs, apparently.

So hopefully handling meltdowns will be something we can figure out how to handle and get better at every time that she has one. I’ve got The Montessori Toddler and need to order Good Inside. I don’t think we’re going to prescribe to one school of thought as we figure out how to balance mine and Dylan’s personalities with the actual kid that we have - if anyone else with toddlers/older kids reads this, are there any reading or podcast recs you have that helped you and your partner figure out your toddler parenting style? Please send our way!

For now, we’ll probably have fewer lingering afternoons on terraces and more sneaky drinks in tumblers at the playground so our active kiddo can feel in control of herself while we take a second to talk to our friends. Cheers to that.

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What I’m Reading

We were supposed to go to Dublin last weekend with my parents, but my mom got the flu so we canceled. I got a fix of Irish coziness though with the Maeve Binchy book Circle of Friends, which I loved!

What I’m Watching

The youtube gods seem to have taken it down (and I’m late to the party on this), but Cynthia Erivo and Ariana Grande’s performance at the Oscars was divine. I watched it like, 10 times this week before it was removed for copyright - I bet you can find it on Tiktok.

What I’m Loving

I’ve been wearing my overalls obsessively. It feels like a transition to spring despite the fact that it’s currently 33 degrees outside.

Also, the Bug is obsessed with this egg carton toy, if anyone has toddlers and needs something for Easter baskets that they’ll love!