I bought an iron.
I’m turning 31 in two weeks, own my home, have a toddler, and yet up until last Monday I had not ironed an item of clothing I owned myself since my mom made me do it 15 years ago as a regular chore.
I haven’t written anything (anything) since March 21, but I ironed my spring clothes, pulled out from boxes at the first sight of warm(ish) temperatures last week. I haven’t gone to yoga but I steamed up the mirror in our bedroom whilst overdoing it with the button on the iron to feel some semblance of control in my life, watching the creases in a pair of black linen pants finally release, literally discolored because they spent so much time wrinkled over the last year.
I’ve spent the last two weeks feeling anxious.
I simmer at a low level of anxiety pretty much 110% of the time, but usually (other than my shoulders feeling like cement and massage therapists regularly keeping me over the time limit of my massage because they feel personally challenged by the knots that have knotted together to form walls in my shoulder) it doesn’t impact my life.
It stems from a desire to always be in control, and in that control to be perceived as being good - at my job, at parenting, at everything - and I have been bowled over this week with reminders that I am not in control. The whole general *gestures at state of the world and embarrassing/mortifying/humbling reality of living as an American* hasn’t helped.
The Bug got sick last week: sick enough to stay home two days in a row from daycare, cuddled up with her dad while Elsa’s dulcet tones lulled her to hours and hours of sleep on his chest. I went to work, teaching other people’s children, while my husband took care of her. This is an objectively good thing, that we have a partnership in our parenting like this, but still, I sat with the guilt as I wondered if I should have been the one holding her.
It seemed like, as a result, she only wanted her dad. I picked her up out of her crib after a nap last week while she screamed for him, and she tried to throw herself out of my arms so hard and headbutted me that I literally had a noticeable bruise on my forehead for days.
Then Ty got sick: sick enough to go to the emergency animal hospital twice, staying overnight last weekend. He’s on the mend now, it seems, but they still aren’t completely sure what caused it, so it still sort of feels like I can’t relax.
Dyl and I have been trying to figure out the future on a macro level too, with some big personal stuff that couldn’t be more out of my control, the fact of which is slowly and silently making me insane.
My anxiety manifested in a few different forms of physical issues this week - my body literally made me sick with worry. My throat was swollen almost shut on Sunday night. I was so nauseous on Wednesday and Thursday that I could only eat the Bug’s packets of oatmeal, but was so bloated I looked like I was five months pregnant (ask me how many pregnancy tests I took to confirm I am not, and currently do not want to be). I woke up with a migraine in the middle of the night and couldn’t go back to sleep.
I couldn’t control all of these things, but I did have the most crisp red poplin pants ironed under the watchful gaze of Lady Mary Crawley and Mr. Carson. I did make my spring clothes exciting to me again, ready to wear to inspire me to actually get dressed and do things, even if that thing is sitting at the playground for two hours. I did leave the iron out on our dresser the entire week, a reminder to myself that I am maturing and growing and becoming someone who willingly bought an iron of her own accord, not because her mother’s comments about us “liking that lived in look” finally got under her skin.
I bought an iron. That’s what I could do.
This weekend was better. The sun was shining, and I got a lot of one on one time with my daughter and it turns out, she does still like me. We spent 30 minutes standing in front of the elephants at the Artis Zoo pointing at them and making elephant noises. The big personal stuff seems like it is about to get better (I’m putting this into the universe). Ty has gone through the last few nights without any more issues. My stomach no longer looks like a bowling ball is hidden under my dress. I got some good family news. I know it’s (probably) all fake, but mercury retrograde ended today.
I can’t control everything all of the time, but damn it if I don’t have crispy cotton and smooth linen on my body whenever the weather permits me this month. I think I might even iron a pair of jeans.
What I’m Reading
I finished the third novel in Elena Ferrante’s Neapolitan Novels, Those Who Leave and Those Who Stay. As the story progresses across the lives of the two girls and the four novels, the main character goes to university at a really interesting time (1960s). There’s a lot in this one about sort of liberal elitism within academia vs. the lived experience of working class and impoverished individuals, which is handled well, but the book takes on quite an academic and almost meta cadence. It was my least favorite of the series so far, but the ending was an excellent cliffhanger and the final instalment currently has me hooked. I’m loving the audiobook version of these!
Do you ever see a book talked about too much on the internet and it makes you hate that book on principle? Or am I a snob? I refused to read The God of the Woods all last year as a result of this snobbery, but I gave in yesterday. I was so engrossed that I didn’t realize I’d stayed up almost two hours past my normal bed time reading, and when I woke up this morning I immediately grabbed my Kindle to finish it. The writing and pacing of the whole book is excellent as a whodunnit, but I have to be honest that the ending really let me down. I did read it in less than 16 hours, which included sleeping hours, so do with that what you will.
What I’m Watching
We watched The Residence the last two weeks, which is my favorite content I’ve consumed in I don’t know when??? It was laugh out loud hilarious, it was poignant, it was smart, and I didn’t know whodunnit until literally 30 seconds before it was revealed.
I also started watching With Love, Meghan as one does when experiencing huge amounts of stress. There has been so much written on this show, so I don’t need to add to it, but as someone who is rooting for this woman and has always really liked her, I’m just amazed at how off putting this show is for so many very specific reasons.
What I’m Loving
I was reminded by my friend Kaitlyn that voice notes are excellent and I’m trying to be better about using them with long distance pals - I have a terrible habit of being like “Let’s FT!” and then we don’t, and then I go months without hearing the voices of my favorite people.
Also, as I started to put on spring clothes I was moderately repulsed by the grayish tint of my skin. I lathered on a truly obscene amount of Tan Luxe lotion and woke up feeling truly gorgeous today.
Finally, just got this set and I am obsessed. The other part of making adult clothing choices is knowing I need to buy nicer underwear!
I love you ❤️❤️❤️❤️
Sending you love!